For those I hold dear......

but cannot be near, I will take a piece of you with me where ever I go and what ever I do.....this is my promise.

I am struggling.

I cannot seem to jump over the 'acceptance' hurdle. Some will say well it's still too soon but honestly I just want to get there and maybe it won't hurt so much. I am on a roller coaster all day, everyday and my family can vouch for the fact that it's not a fun ride. I can't help but think about the next decade of my life, my childrens lives, my families lives and ache. It physically hurts to think about and ponder all my brother will miss.

I can't change anything and I HATE it.

I will however do my very best to take a piece of him with me, everywhere. I have made this promise and intend to do my best to keep him apart of everything we do, my children will know him to the best of my ability and I will be the best sister pen pall a guy could ask for.

A fresh start with so many guilty feelings

This week has been a really amazing week for my little family. We just found out that Joel received a distributorship that he's been in the process of interviewing for, he REALLY wanted it and I couldn't be prouder of him for earning it! This new adventure is just what he needed right now, a fresh start at work and a group of people around him that are positive and supportive. It's a very exciting time for us and him!!

Our weekend was topped off with a great time celebrating the 4th of July. Independence Day is very special holiday, it's my Grandfather's favorite holiday! We had a simple family BBQ, the kids alternated between playing in the pool and playing baseball and we enjoyed each others company. I cannot express how thankful I am to have this very precious time with my family and my Grandfather. I am blessed and am constantly mindful to never take a single day for granted.



With this excitement of a new adventure on the horizon and the enjoyment of simple pleasures comes this horrible guilt. I feel remorse every time I find myself enjoying something or getting excited about something. In the midst of joy or elation comes this brick wall of the other reality, my brother isn't here to experience the joy or share in the fun. I know my brother wouldn't want me to keep dwelling like this but I can't help it. How can I enjoy that yummy, melted s'more by the campfire when my brother probably won't enjoy a simple indulgence for years and years. This makes me so sad.......I cannot express how deeply I feel a void. Next week my family and I will have some finality, like it or not, accept it or not, all the facts or not on the 12th it will be.
I find myself praying desperately for so many different things....
Please God let the judge be lenient on my brother. Let him keep in mind that there are multiple victims in the situation, a situation where we do not have all the facts and do not know the full extent of the circumstances. I believe with all my heart my brother is a good man, not the villain that he has been painted to be.
Please God give the judge a divine wisdom. Wisdom to see through the crap that people say without any basis, wisdom to look for the man Robby truly is. Let him know the Robby that I know, the Robby I grew up loving for the past 27 years. The man that is generous, loving, giving and a peacekeeper.
Please God let him consider this 7 year old little boy, who will silently suffer along with the rest of us while his father remains absent from daily life.
Please God restore my faith in people. My very soul is rocked by the things people say and do, with unfounded reason or truths. How can individuals be so violent, so angry and so spiteful.

Rays of sunshine

I've been in a bit of a dark slump lately and thought it would be good for me to share some good things going on in my life. On a personal note I have made a decision to take up running. It's something I did more in high school, sort of enjoyed and it's something Joel's always enjoyed doing. My goal isn't to run a marathon but instead to take all my emotions and frustrations of the day to the track and run them off! Each time I go out is time I'm just "Jamie," not Mommy, wife, cook, maid......I could go on. Anyway, I've been running for a week now and I have noticed a huge change in my daily energy level and attitude. I love it!!

Another bright spot in my life is of course my kiddos. They bring a smile to my face each and every day, I'm so thankful for them! Thomas just finished up his 2nd grade year. It's hard to believe that I am now the mother of a 3rd grader! He's so smart, athletic and just a great little boy (ssshhh....don't tell him I called him that, he'd be less than impressed with me! ha ha) I can't wait to see what the next year brings for him!


Braeden completed his Kindergarten year, he had a really terrific teacher and we are sad to see the year come to an end. He is so very excited to be a 1st grader in the Fall though and is excited about having lunch at school with all the big kids! He started playing soccer this Spring and really loves it. We were very lucky with the team and coach, they are awesome! Braeden is such an easy going, fun loving little guy....he's a true blessing to our family.

Kolton has become our little-big man in a short period of time. It feels as though one day he were this tiny toddler, barely toting around and now he's sleeping in his very own big boy bed! He loves it and has made the transition effortless, phew! He loves to spend time with his big brothers, attempting to keep up with everything they do but adores his quiet time with Sissy...always more than enough kisses for her!

Our little miss Caylee Marie is 9 months old now and growing up before my very eyes, my tiny little baby is no more! Instead I see a happy, sweet baby girl. Her first tooth popped through the same week she learned to army crawl! She is able to 'crawl' anywhere she wants and is now learning to pull herself up on things....scary!! It goes without saying that I am loving every minute of all the fun dresses, hair accessories and great things that come with having a daughter. I can't wait to see what the future holds for her! She is the perfect ending in our family.

There's no use crying over spilt milk....

I've come to learn that it's not the spilled milk that I'm crying over, it's all the built up emotion that spills out when the cup happens to tip over. This week (or last few months even) has been filled with a hard dose of reality and I'm on the floor throwing a tantrum like my two year old toddler, screaming "It's NOT fair!!"
Without getting into the tiny details of my current situation I will say that my family finds ourselves in the midst of a painful time, with more questions than answers. Some ask, "How's your family?" or "How's your brother?"......I appreciate the thought but honestly don't know how to answer. We are all doing the best we can, my brother is doing the best he can BUT my brother's in JAIL....that is reality. He's not on vacation, simply absent from family gatherings and birthdays, or even just off somewhere screwing around being a silly boy. He's not going to come to anything for a long time, a REALLY long time.........I can't swallow this for the huge lump in my throat. The latest estimate we have is 12 years. 12 years of birthday parties, Christmases, Thanksgivings and family milestones. It hardly seems fair.
I say all these things and some may think, she's in la-la land. Her brother did wrong and should be punished accordingly. I accept the fact that he did wrong (despite the fact that I lack all the information from that night) and the fact that he will be punished for his mistake....however I DO NOT accept the fact that we are supposed to make decisions based on fractional information, I DO NOT accept the fact that others are making judgments based on second hand information and partial truths. How quick people are to make their harsh judgments from behind their TV's and computer screens and how easily they forget that this man is someone's son, brother, father and friend. He's a good man, never quick to anger, always the peace maker and accepting of people. (can you picture me on the ground right now, kicking and screaming like a toddler?!?!)
Sorry but today I'm a glass half empty kinda girl....2011, I say bah hum bug!

A whole decade...

Is it possible that Joel and I have been married for 10 years already?! I can't believe that we've hit that milestone in what seems like such a short amount of time. It's such a big number but it seems like just a few short years ago we were engaged and married. Having said that we've been through so much, accomplished amazing things and built a beautiful family. I won't pretend for a second any of it was easy.....we are both human, we've had our hard times but I wouldn't trade our life together for anything. Good times and bad....I'm where I am meant to be!

Creations for Caylee

Busy hands are happy hands, right?! I'm not sure happy is what I'm going for but with my hands busy, my brain follows and I don't dwell. So I began crafting more over the past couple of weekends. A great friend of mine was generous enough to share with me how to make these super cute flowers and I have kind of taken off from there. I made Caylee a few headbands.....they are so adorable! She may end up with one in every color I can get my hands on. I've also started trying out other techniques to make some different types of flowers.....it really is never ending in the crafting world.




A neighbor of ours recently had their first baby, a little girl and I thought it would be fun to make her a little something. It was so much fun making a newborn sized headband, so tiny and sweet! Caylee and I will deliver her gift sometime this week.

How strong does he think I am?

Over the course of my life I have had many people tell me "God will not give you more than you can handle." While I sincerely appreciate the intention behind the sentence, I am struggling this past week with the thought. How strong does he think I am? At this current point I don't feel that I am strong enough to handle more of ANYTHING, not even a spilled glass of juice.

My brother is never far from my thoughts these days.....each and every day. As I go about my normal routine I find myself feeling guilty for enjoying some lazy Saturday morning cartoons with the boys or as I'm enjoying a beautiful ray of sunshine that has decided to peak out from behind a cloud; my thoughts turn to him, when will be the next time he feels the warmth of that same sun? Even the rain, as it falls from the gray skies above; when will he feel the wetness upon his face? It seems and feels as though a death has occurred in our family. Will I ever feel 'normal' again? And what does that mean....does it mean I will simply forget the fact that my brother is not living free? Or will I accept it and move forward. From here forward is the next several weeks and possibly even months of court hearings and maybe even a trial.
It's been nearly impossible to read and hear the things the media has written, they think they have created a profile of my brother for the world to know. What a joke....they have no idea who he is and have portrayed him unfairly. This is painful for me and the fact that we must sit in silence only adds to the sting of an open wound.